Understanding Your Internal Parts

Do you know the definition of insanity? It’s doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting different results. Have you experienced problems similar to the following?

• I keep making the same mistakes in my relationships.
• I keep choosing the wrong person to be in relationships with.
• I’m sad or anxious most of the time and I’m not sure why.
• I tend to sabotage my relationships and my jobs or career.
• I get too angry and blame others, or I avoid certain situations or people.
• I’m not successful because I procrastinate and avoid responsibility.
• Sometimes I feel that I’m just not good enough.

I have developed a new, simple tool to help you understand where these feelings and patterns of behavior come from. And this same tool will help you to make positive changes in your life.

The diagram below, Who’s In Charge?, describes our internal parts. There’s an Inner Child, innocent, vulnerable, often dependent. A unique part of this model, the Teenager, wants independence, but is often lost, angry or both. Our Inner Critic is judgmental, blaming, and demanding. Fortunately, all of us have an Adult part – loving, responsible, appropriate, and competent. We all have these parts, and sometimes things get stuck.

Take Mike, for example (a fictitious name, and a composite of clients I’ve worked with). At work, Mike could never get organized. The files were stacked up on the floor, and he was often late getting reports completed. He often avoided making calls and distracted himself by surfing the Internet. At home, his children were afraid to ask for help with their homework. They were afraid because he would get angry and criticize them. His wife was fed up. He didn’t help with chores, or he would finally mow the lawn after a lot of complaining. She said he was never happy. The distance between them grew, and their sexual relationship was almost non-existent.

Mike was a LATE man – a type of adult man I refer to as a Lost And Angry TEen. In fact, when I asked Mike how old he felt when he was avoidant, angry, or distant with his wife, he said he was about 15 years old. It’s no wonder. He told me that when he was 15 his father was verbally abusive. No matter what he did, it was never good enough. His mother was passive with father, but she always took care of Mike – by cooking his favorite foods, covering up for him by completing his chores and fixing his homework. Mike learned to play it safe as an adult by avoiding work and expecting others, such as his wife, to take care of things for him.

You can use this model to help you identify Who’s In Charge when:

• Your feelings – mad, sad, ashamed, or afraid – are out of proportion to the circumstances (excessive and inappropriate);
• Your relationships are stuck – with too much fighting or too much distance;
• Your thoughts and beliefs are negative or self-destructive (all-or-nothing thinking; self-defeating beliefs; etc.).

Then you can use this model to make positive changes in your life. Try these exercises, and repeat them frequently:

1. Visualization – Find a quiet place, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. Picture yourself as a fully responsible, loving Adult. Recognize your current strengths in these areas. What do you look like in this role? How do you feel? How do others respond to you? What are your results – how are your relationships? How do you succeed at work and elsewhere?

2. Written description – Write a one page description of your Adult. Be realistic, but stretch yourself and write about the Adult you know you have within you.

3. Read this description out loud to yourself every day for 90 days. Then read it out loud once a week.

4. Practice, practice – remember the Adult throughout your day, and ask yourself how the Adult wants to handle various situations.

After a few sessions of therapy with me, Mike was actively using this model (he told me he taped the diagram to his computer monitor!). He said it helped to guide him in his family relationships and at work, to be the man he always wanted to be. He started taking care of his “Inner Teen” in a loving and responsible manner.

Richard J. Loebl, LCSW, PA

Director, Relationship Center Of South Florida

© 2007

To make an appointment, contact Richard Loebl, LCSW at 561-955-6090 or send him an email – Rlmindtrek@aol.com.

Almost everyone struggles with questions about the viability of a relationship or a marriage. Doubts about the person or the relationship can occur at any time in the life cycle of the relationship. These are the most important reasons for staying the course. We start with The Big Three – friendship, love, and no deal breakers. These are the cement for a healthy, workable relationship.

1. Friendship - Webster defines a friend as someone you are fond of – an ally and supporter – someone helpful and reliable. In successful marriages, this is the foundation of the relationship. You know each other well, you enjoy each other’s company, and there is a spirit of mutual support. Would you choose your partner to be a best friend?

2. Love - I believe there are two measures of love in a relationship. Most of us think of love as a feeling. I believe love is both a feeling and a behavior. If you are confused about the relationship and your feelings – if you have doubts – get out of your head and go to your heart. Or connect with your higher self through meditation or prayer. Ask your heart or your higher self how you feel about the person and the relationship.

Love is also a behavior. Do you practice loving acts on a daily basis? Is love demonstrated through acts of kindness, affection, generosity, self-sacrifice, understanding and empathy, support and encouragement?

3. No Deal Breakers -What are your deal breakers in a relationship? How about the 3As – Abuse, Affairs, Addiction? Only you can decide. Most problem areas in relationships are negotiable. Meaning, in a healthy relationship we can work through and compromise on many areas of conflict: the kids, money, amount of time spent together, the in-laws, and so on. Are your deal breakers realistic? Is there something going on that you truly cannot live with in this relationship?

4. Trust - The human infant will only develop into a healthy, functioning adult when basic trust is established with a nurturing, consistent parent figure. Our closest relationships – our love relationships – will only develop into stable, satisfying unions when there is basic trust in the attachment. Can you rely on your partner to be honest, loving, and to be faithful to the relationship? If there is a lack of trust, could that start with you? Do you have trust issues because of your prior life experiences?

5. Commitment - Commitment is closely related to trust. When commitment is present you know you can count on your partner. There is a sense of willingness, obligation, and intention. Commitment implies an investment, emotionally and physically, in the relationship. There is a “normal”, fluid movement between full investment and something less than that for almost all couples. Does your relationship go through normal, moderate cycles of commitment? Or is there a chronic ambivalence – a long standing distance?

6. Common Interests - Can you imagine a friendship with someone with whom you have nothing in common? Most likely, when you first met, there were things you liked doing together. If you’ve grown in different directions, it will be important to find new activities that you both have an interest in pursuing together. And even more important than any particular activity, is the way you interact with each other when you do things together. Do you actively pursue common interests together, and does this enrich your relationship?

7. Connection and Affection - There is a consistent bond of affection and connection in successful relationships. Happy couples tend to touch, hug and kiss on a daily basis. They have rituals of connecting with affection when they wake up, when they go to bed, and when they leave and return home. When there are fights, these couples stay connected – they make eye contact, they keep talking, and they even touch each other with affection. On a scale of 0 – 10, with distant being the zero and full connection a ten, where is your relationship?

8. Partnership - Relationships are co-created. You are both, in a sense, “equally” responsible for the relationship. In a true partnership, you are able to work cooperatively together to manage all the tasks of living together (including child rearing, financial management, chores, etc.). You cooperatively resolve conflicts when possible, and compromise when necessary. Do the two of you work together as a team?

9. Respect - You have a sense of positive regard for each other. You appreciate and admire your partner’s words, deeds and acts. Are you proud to include your partner in your circle of family and friends?

10. Fun - Similar to common interests, when you met – when you were first dating – you probably had fun together. Life, and relationships, can be difficult and challenging. Most of us have too much stress in our lives. An ability to have fun together, to laugh at your situation, and even to play together is an important ingredient in a healthy relationship. Are we having any fun yet?

If you are satisfied with all ten of these, congratulations! You must have a very healthy, happy and satisfying relationship. If you have serious problems in most of the 10 areas, this relationship is probably not a good fit for you.

The Big Three – friendship, love, and no deal breakers – will probably need to be present for this relationship to survive.

Difficulties in any of these areas are commonplace in relationships. The good news is that most of these problems can be repaired. If you are having difficulties in more than 2 or 3 areas, or a serious problem in even one of the Big Three, you may need professional help. Couples counseling can be very effective, and if one person in the relationship is not willing to attend, individual counseling can help.

© 2007 Richard J. Loebl, LCSW, PA

Many relationships and marriages break down over time. Just like a fine piece of machinery, even the best relationships need maintenance and repair. The following repair methods have been carefully tested and researched. When applied consistently over time, they have been proven to work quite well.

Troubleshooting

Here are three common problems you may experience in your marriage or relationship, and some helpful hints and tools you can use:

1) Fighting - Is there too much conflict in your relationship? All couples argue, but sometimes the fights become frequent, nasty, and noisy. Have you noticed a pattern of attack, defend, and counterattack?

Suggested Repairs:

Replace The Starter – The fighting often starts with a complaint, accusation or sarcastic comment. The tone is often negative and uncaring. Try using love, affection and humor. Invite – don’t demand or criticize (for example, instead of “You never…”, try “Honey, would you be willing to…”). Remember, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Deactivate Your Reactor – Almost all fights involve overreacting to your partner. Sure, you’re upset and angry, but reacting in this way simply leads to more fighting. Assume that your partner loves you and wants a loving, supportive relationship just as much as you do (I’m assuming that’s why you came together in the first place!). Replace your reactor (defensiveness, blaming, hurt victim) with forgiveness, acceptance, understanding, and conflict resolution.

Use An Adult Repair Person – See my Who’s In Charge? article. When you’re feeling this angry during a fight, when you’re reacting with blame and counterattacks, how old are you? What does that Child or Teenager really need? Put the Adult in charge. Have your Adult take care of your Inner Child or Teenager. Use your Adult self to practice empathy, understanding, forgiveness, and productive problem solving with your partner.

2) Distance - Is there too much distance in your relationship? Do your fights turn into a silent no man’s land? Have you “grown apart”? Has the affection, attention, and connection diminished or disappeared?

Suggested Repairs:

Reassemble The Parts – Go back to the beginning. What brought you together? Talk about this with your partner. Make lists of what you liked and loved about each other. What you liked to do together. Make regular dates. We all get too busy, and we forget to tend our gardens. Stay connected to your partner: practice acts of love every day, with affection, love notes, showing interest in their daily activities, listening to their stories.

Conflict – Surprised? When the distance in your relationship contains problems and conflicts that are not being addressed, roll back the rug and talk about what you’ve been sweeping under it. You might start by each of you making a list of topics you’re reluctant to discuss. Set aside time to discuss one topic at a time, with a commitment to using empathy, understanding, and compromise.

Ask An Adult For Help – Your Adult! See my Who’s In Charge? article. How old are you when you shut down and distance in this relationship? What does that Child or Teenager need? Put the Adult in charge. Speak your truth with your partner, and remember that the Adult does this with love and active caring for that person. Have your Adult practice acts of love, kindness, and generosity every day.

3) Impasse – Are there conflicts in your relationship that you cannot resolve? Do you and your partner have polarized positions, with no give or compromise? Common stuck points include conflicts about money, in-laws, sex, chores, and the kids.

Suggested Repairs:

Acceptance – Recognize and accept the fact that, most likely, there will always be conflict in this area. It is unlikely that one of you will do a 180 and completely change your point of view or position on such an important issue.

Understanding and Empathy – Open the lines of communication – find out why your partner feels so strongly about that position. Express understanding and an attitude of caring and respect for your partner’s position. Take turns, so that both of you are speaking your truth, and being heard and supported by the other.

Compromise – Would you rather be right or happy? Rigid, unyielding positions will not make you happy. You may be right (you know you are), but what are your results? Listen to your partner. Appreciate their point of view, and allow yourself to be influenced. Find the middle ground, and be willing to give up a position that really doesn’t work in this relationship.

Today’s Man

Issues, Problems, and Therapy

Overview of Men’s Issues

The field of male psychology, and psychotherapy methods designed specifically for men, are relatively new phenomena.  For most of human history, men were defined by their distinct, limited roles as hunters, warriors, and primary providers for their family, tribe and community. These roles were never questioned or debated – and certainly not psychoanalyzed. Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis and modern psychology, and other leading pioneers in the fields of psychology and psychiatry had little to say about a distinct male psychology.

Today, there is a growing list of psychologists, research scientists, and other experts who are making major contributions to the understanding of men, from a psychological and interpersonal perspective (Bergman, Pollack, Real, Stosny, Wexler, among others). The fields of cultural anthropology, modern brain science, and psychology are creating a new paradigm for helping men define themselves and their roles today. We no longer need to be restrained by the limitations imposed by the cultural traditions of the “traditional, masculine male” which was the expected model or standard for men prior to the late 20^th century (and a standard that continues to exert influence for many men and women today). Nor do we need to react with guilt, shame, or submissive attempts to re-define the male persona as a result of certain messages that evolved from the modern women’s movement.

It seems that we are re-discovering the undeniable fact that men and women are actually quite different. And we are beginning to develop a coherent and compassionate understanding of healthy, normal male emotion, behavior, and relationship dynamics. The psychologist B. Mark Schoenberg (Growing Up Male, 1993) describes a basic foundation for understanding the differences between men and women:

“Man’s earliest ancestors lived in a harsh and hostile environment that placed a high premium on physical strength. The strong survived, and the weak lived exceedingly brief lives… Because he was the fighter and because he was the provider, it was inevitable that the male came to be responsible for woman’s welfare. This is the historical reality. Gender differentiation evolved out of actual physical, perhaps physiological, necessity.”

This biological foundation, along with recent findings from modern brain science, helps to explain why men do what they do, feel what they feel, and how they struggle with confusing, even conflicting contemporary role demands and expectations.

Historical & Cultural Factors

Men have primarily been defined by their work roles (along with conquests and success in business, sports, wars, and other ventures), not by their role relationships within families or other social groupings.  Historically, men were dominant over women, driven primarily by physiological factors, and the major forces of historical change were conducted by powerful male rulers and military leaders, a male-dominated church, and other powerful men. In the modern era, male stereotypes developed as a result of cultural ideals created in literature, movies, and television (cowboy, romantic hero, soldier, 1950’s family man, and even the angry, bigoted archetypes like Archie Bunker). Currently we are influenced by post-feminist stereotypes such as the bumbling, ineffective and inarticulate man, or just the insensitive “cave man” who “cannot communicate”.  The role of men in the workforce, relationships and society has changed dramatically in recent history, as a result of revolutionary economic and social changes.  Until very recently, there was no need or expectation for men to communicate in an intimate manner. There was no historical necessity for men to talk about their feelings, to be emotionally sensitive to others, or to “validate” women or children.

Problems Men Present In Therapy

Men confronting the new demands and expectations of the 21^st century are experiencing increasing levels of stress – often work or relationship related.  This stress, and the new, complicated role requirements men face today, often result in the following types of problems, often seen in therapists’ offices today:

• Anger (in relationships, the workplace, road rage)
• Stress (often work related; and commonly presented with somatic complaints or feelings of irritation, frustration, and anger)
• Work adjustment issues (procrastination, avoidance, anger, success sabotage)
• Addictions (alcohol, drugs, sexual, video/internet, gambling)
• Depression (often expressed as boredom, lack of motivation, or just being “stuck in the mud”)
• Relationship problems (crises often precipitated by a wife or girlfriend who is fed up; or the man feels he is no longer “in love”).

Fear and shame (feeling not good enough) deserve special mention here. The problems men experience today often result in, or are influenced by, these emotional states. Fear and shame result from messages that men are not doing the job – in the work place, or at home. And the job is increasingly difficult to accomplish today, because the man as sole bread winner is unrealistic in this economy. In a sense, life was much easier for men in the past, when they were simply hunters and warriors. A complicating factor is the male tendency to fear any “feminine” aspect of their personality, behavior or feelings. Men, who are raised predominately by women, are afraid that certain emotions, and their need for nurturance, means they are not masculine. If they are emotionally vulnerable, sensitive, or dependent on others, they feel ashamed and out of control. A man who is shamed by childhood abuse or enmeshment with an overprotective mother may become emotionally hypersensitive and subject to narcissistic injury (any perceived insult, complaints, criticism, or unmet entitlement needs lead to excessively hurt, angry feelings).

Male Developmental Issues

There are many challenges for boys learning to be men today, particularly in families where effective male role models are not fully available. In too many families, distressed parents are angry, rejecting, or even abusive. The male brain often adapts to these circumstances, and can result in defensive role rigidity, anger and rage. Boys learn during childhood to suppress emotion – for boys becoming men, feelings and their expression can be considered shameful. To complicate this situation, boys are not generally socialized or taught to connect, bond, or develop meaningful, emotionally supportive relationships – especially with other boys and men. Boys are physiologically and neurologically oriented toward action, tasks, and playing with objects – not toward relating interpersonally. Raised primarily by women, boys get most or all of their emotional needs met by women without any required reciprocity on their part. This results in emotional, narcissistic injuries as adults when their needs and expectations are not met. Anger develops as a coping mechanism. William Pollack (1995) says that anger is their “way of weeping” – the way they express their emotional pain.

Men’s Relationship Issues

Male attachment needs are somewhat different from women’s. Men generally do not need verbal communication about feelings or “talks” about the relationship. Nor do they need direct, verbal validation of their feelings or needs. Men have a natural, biological proclivity toward interaction with the environment, more so than the verbally based interactions that women desire. They do need to know they are appreciated, respected and loved. And men are often quite satisfied by having these needs met with direct, physically nurturing behaviors by women. Many adult men feel a basic sense of security and even love simply by the very presence of the significant women in their lives. Men also experience sexual connection as a form of nurturance, acceptance, love, and even emotional security. Sex for men is a primary attachment need – compared to women, who need verbal communication and validation. Men also tend to have fewer friends than women, and when they do, they tend to focus on activities rather than verbal interactions (watching sports, hunting and fishing are examples).

Medical Model And Men’s Issues

Recent findings from modern neuroscience and interpersonal neurobiology show there are unique aspects of the male brain (also endocrine and other systems) – quite different from female brains. This includes analytical brain structures (not emotional) designed to solve problems. Men have an inborn, biologically based competitive instinct. They also have an area of the brain designed for sexual pursuit that is more than 2 times larger than females (Brizendine, 2010). The brain circuits for fear, aggression and defense are far more prominent in men than in women. In comparison, women have more prominent mirror neuron systems for emotional empathy.

There are no male-specific diagnoses in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. The most common diagnoses for men are addictions, personality disorders such as narcissism, avoidant, and anti-social personality disorders, intermittent explosive disorder, conduct disorder, and ADD. Depression, however, is very common in men. Men also experience complicating medical issues such as stress-related heart and digestive disorders, and they may also present with a variety of sexual disorders. Other medical concerns may result from drug and alcohol addiction.

Therapy For Men

Men are far less likely to seek help than women, and they often delay getting help until there is a crisis. Men are less likely to follow through with treatment recommendations by therapists and psychiatrists. The problem is not as simple as “resistance”. Rather, asking for help is viewed or felt by men as shameful. A man solves his own problems – that’s why men don’t ask for directions! Therapy was also designed almost exclusively as a “talking cure” – and the male brain and culture is not designed for a lot of verbal communication about feelings, relationships, or personal problems. That’s why men tend to be more guarded and defensive in therapy (based in fear and shame). It is not surprising that only about 1/3 of all therapy clients are men.

What can be done? Therapists need to “normalize” men’s feelings, behavior, and their tendency to be defensive. David Wexler suggests that therapists empathize with a man’s anger, and reframe his behavior by letting him know that he is not a bad man – he’s a good man who never learned how to deal with his needs and feelings more effectively. In couples therapy, men can learn what the feelings mean (both her feelings and his), why she says what she says, why she does what she does, and men can learn what a woman really wants. Men do best with tasks – homework assignments, and specific behavior change that makes sense. After all, most men want to protect and provide, and they are happy to succeed in those areas when the task is realistic and appropriate. Finally, men’s therapy groups are often less threatening than individual or couples therapy, and can be extremely helpful. In these groups, men get support from other men who identify with each other – this normalizes their “problems” and men will often take good advice more readily from a man he can identify with.

Case Example: John Begins to Take Responsibility for His Problems and His Relationship Improves

A men’s therapy group, which was established a little over a year ago, has 8 members and one male therapist. The group meets weekly, for 2 hours. The average age is early 40’s, most of the men are married, and all report a history of relationship problems. Three of the men have had problems with addictions, and are either in recovery (attend 12 step groups) or abstinent. Several have anger management problems, some self-sabotage in work and relationships, and all have identified self-doubt and shame as major concerns. There is open discussion, lots of problem solving by the members (men like to fix things), along with education about men’s issues and other interventions by the therapist. The group is process oriented – there is a focus on the here and now – especially their interactions and feelings during group meetings. The patterns of interaction in the group, along with their emotional reactions to each other, are discussed – this helps the men recognize and understand their feelings and relationships outside of the group. Over time, the men have become quite open and supportive in this accepting and non-judgmental environment.

John, one of the original members, age 42, owns a small company, and has been married for 16 years. His primary complaint was the volatile relationship with his wife (loud arguments, often followed by distance and avoidance). John used to complain that she nagged incessantly, she spent too much money, and he said they had a lousy sex life. He was quite angry with her and thought about having an affair. He also complained about the stress of owning a small business, and working longer and harder due to the economy. To cope, he would drink excessively at times. The men in the group like John – he jokes around with them, he is warm and affable, and has good insight at times. He is seen as a leader in the group. However, the men see how John avoids responsibility at times by blaming others or circumstances, and he often avoids dealing with his feelings and the problems in his life. John has made progress with the support of the men in the group, who have challenged him to look at his avoidance and his role in these problems. John is getting more clear about how he uses anger and blame to protect his underlying feelings of shame and fear (stemming from childhood wounds – an enmeshed mother and an absent, alcoholic father). John is now telling the group about improvements in the relationship with his wife – less emotional reactivity when she makes complaints, less fighting and distance, and he’s more responsive to her feelings and needs.

Books and Articles About Men’s Issues:

• The Male Brain, Souann Brizendine, M.D., 2010.
• A New Psychology Of Men, Ronald F. Levand & William S. Pollack, eds., 1995.
• Real Boys, William S. Pollack, 1998.
• I Don’t Want To Talk About It, Terrence Real, 1997.
• Growing Up Male, The Psychology of Masculinity, B. Mark Schoenberg, 1993.
• “Lions Without A Cause”, from Psychotherapy Networker, Steven Stosny, Ph.D., May/June, 2010.
• “Shame-O-Phobia”, from Psychotherapy Networker, David Wexler, May/June, 2010.
• When Good Men Behave Badly, David B. Wexler, Ph.D., 2004.
• Men In Therapy, David B. Wexler, 2009.

© 2010, by Richard J. Loebl, LCSW, PA